i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
He did a line, told me my hair looked pretty against the background of the clouds, and then we fucked. Good afternoon
Okay, lets just agree to keep all cutlery related activities to a minimum.
She trust falled out of a window. It was like that scene from A Little Princess but with a lot more blood.
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
At one point during xmas dinner my whole family was double fisting. It was like thats how I learned to drink moment
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
When I was drunk texting him about three ways he seemed more interested in just seeing me. And that's when I knew something was wrong with him
I hope you gays don't get too crazy after DOMA. Gay divorces aren't any better than straight ones.
Brightest idea yet: lets drink enough at ladies-drink-free nights to make up for the cost of tampons. Breaking even on having vaginas!
Saw a girl on a walk of shame bend down and look in a pizza box by a trash can to see if there was still a slice left. That's when you know
It's 10:15 on a Wednesday night and my dick is covered in pop rocks. How's your Wednesday going?
I'm just waking up. I awoke in a towel (I must have showered at some point),i also found a half eaten McChicken in my bed and vomit in the toilet. Seems like I'm winning at life
He somehow obtained a megaphone and managed to scare away the out-of-control house party—the house party that HE started, by the way— by pretending to be the police.
Randomize
