I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
sometimes i think i'm bisexual but then i realize the only girl i'm attracted to is myself.
she was carrying the quesadilla around the bar like a security blanket
All I learned from that experience was that drinking scotch out of a crunk goblet was bad news.
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
As far as figuring life out your talking to a guy that's alternating text messages between his baby mama and a drunk bitch I met tailgating. My best advice is don't worry about shit out of your control and always and I really mean ALWAYS wear a condom.
Okay now that I've been wanting to eat these hot cheetos in the bathroom, I know it's time I need to stop smoking and go to sleep.
Cause a man that looks THAT good must have an ass that tastes like lucky charms
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
I walked by the two of them and mouthed "fuck me" based on there reaction I think they just came in their pants
I got "plug" during family Catch Phrase and struggled to not make a reference to butt plug so I skipped it
How are you supposed to wish the guy you send nudes to good luck for the first day of his new job??
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
I'm so sorry for trying to eat your puzzle last night...
Want ramen today?
I need a salad
SALAD DOESNT WARM YOUR HEART AND BELLY
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