I need to buy a mesh tank top to fit in in Florida. Where do they even sell that shit?
hey just checking if u still hate me for sleeping with your sister?
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
I've only been home four days and my parents' cleaning lady already wrote down the number to AA and told me she's praying for me.
I didn't just get this from the chlamydia fairy.. You should probably get tested.
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
Unless you're gonna start buying my underwear, you have got to stop ripping it off of me.
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
There's a lady lying down on the sidewalk in front of our building smoking a cig
Before you started puking your brains out, you took a moment to give me the correct order of the Harry potter series
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
Instead of saying hi she asked if she could touch your dick through your ski bib and NOW I understand why you wore it to the bars
Apparently I drunkenly told him I was going to ride him to the rodeo and break him like a bronco, then I stole his nachos and beer. Adulting is hard!!!
Randomize