Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
There's a sign at Bashas for 30% off of 6 bottles of wine in Friday. That seems like a personal challenge.
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
he screamed PILLOW FIGHT and hit branden in the head with a pillow that had a fifth of vodka in it. then he asked why he wasnt laughing
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
Taking advantage of alcohol's depressant capabilities to curtail my fever. SCIENCE!
my phone went off during the middle of it and he ask what i was doing. he wouldn't let my reply with "your boss". ..
Kyle found me outside his apartment in the hallway. Said he didn't hear me knock bt smelled alcohol through the door. I'm sucha bitch to my liver
I'm gonna have to shit in a bar again tonight
My vagina doesn't have a refer a friend program. You don't get $25 for getting your friend to have sex with me.
The moment you tore my shirt off I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you
She's like the sister I never had that I want to bang.
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