I gave her the chance to be interesting and she failed. So then I gave her a chance to be slutty and she failed at that too.
so he came on my face and then proceeded to say "that was just how i imagined it would happen"
where do you find these guys?
It's so hard to take my boss as an authorative figure with her New Moon movie tickets taped to her wall
Remember when we did the egg drop from the Dyson building? Her vag is like that, except with a ham, and the ham doesn't make it. I'll be back to the apartment in ten.
The venue for the new years party is close to the hospital for obvious reasons.
sounds like it. if it makes you feel better i blew up a $75000 farm tractor last night.
She sucked my dick and I swear I almost had to send a search party into her mouth to find it. IT WAS THAT AMAZING.
First roommate to find me and dance with me will live. Battle Royale.
In the world of sexual, erotic texting, you rank somewhere between "how much teeth do you want" and "how dry do you want it"
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
We ended up at an Asian frat. I made out with two Mexicans at the same time and I pulled a muscle in my leg from twerking too low. Diversity.
He has been feeding me cheesecake and candy for breakfast. Naked. For three days. How am I ever going to leave????
I resisted the urge to announce that it looks like a big crystal butt plug
HOW DO YOU FORGET TO FINISH WINE
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
Randomize
