: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
lol earlier she was acting like a normal gf... and then BANG! shes touching herself again...
I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
Tomorrow will not be complet unless someone eats me out. Just sayin
no, literally. he fb chatted me and said "since you're online i figured we could bang tonight?"
You never know how much you love your bed until you sleep with 4 other people in your car.
Seriously, this trumpet player gives me chills. Might be the drugs.
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
He tried to buy me a drink at dollar beer night. All 3 of his credit cards were declined, so he asked me if I could cover it. Needless to say, I'm not calling him back.
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
I came over to get dick...not to watch you vacuum....at 2 AM
I just watched my high school guidance counselor pee in the backyard of this party.
Just don't let me do two things: Beer bongs filled with vodka or shot competitions
A drag queen just ate a dollar out of my ass. I don't know which one of us has hit rock bottom
Randomize
