why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
It's like sleeping with someone you met at a karaoke bar. It's never okay.
Neighbors just bought a new bong. Got high with them and we decided to name it "Gary colemans sweet sugarlumps" these guys are hilarious
the moment we started interpretive dancing last night wouldve been a good time to stop drinking.
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
Ummm. I just wanna say this now: Don't let me invite the band back to the apartment to see my stripper pole.
She literally just puked and rallied AT HER OWN WEDDING. Welcome to White Trash town, America.
She passed out in his mom's bed and when we went to go get her she went 'no its cool I live here'.
My only downfall is that I can only take shots in twos.
If I never see my landlord's dick again, it'll be too soon.
Its not that it wasnt fun. Its just I got a tooth knocked out and that was my second time being arrested this year
This is the third time my roommate and I have drunkenly hooked up. I'm starting to think she's not as straight as she says she is.
It was marvelous. I was drunkenly conversing with my professor in some of the best Spanish I've ever spoken.
A penis isn't a time share. I want to own not rent.
I did what i always do when i miss him; masturbate and watch Bridges of Madison County.
Randomize