Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
week 6 of class: i have yet to go to spanish sober. i love being THAT girl.
We can get Dustin to help us. I think he'd be good at luring girls into a dark alley.
ive got a scarf tied around my face holding bags of hashbrowns to it, im too boss to care
You said eat breakfast. So i poured Baileys on top of m&m's. It taste just like like cereal I swear.
You kind of have a nervous, desperate thing going on that isn't exactly catnip for bitches
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
The condom broke. Its OK tho, turns out I was just humping her thigh for 20 minutes. Jager dude, Jager.
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
I made a half way decent playlist
Im gonna call it "hanging myself"
He doesn't like Sabbath and that alone is a GIANT red flag. Learn from my experiences and never, I mean NEVER associate with people that hate Black Sabbath and Motörhead.
So nothing to worry about, but i'm probly going to jail soon, just thought i should let you know so you didn't worry. Bye!
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
He licked me while I ate pretzels and chips. I was really living my best life.
Randomize
