I am the Bobby Fisher of drunk asss puking
you would think someone who fights for his country could fight to last longer than 2 minutes
Cool, so I just walked in on my grandfather checking his prostate in the kitchen.
Did I ever tell u about how my buddy fucked peter coors's daughter and made a tshirt that said I TAPPED THE ROCKIES with her picture on it?
At what point did we decide It was a good idea t have a wheelbarrow race in the parking lot?
After we fucked he shhhh'd me and said your welcome
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
I asked him how his night was and he sent me a picture of a bottle of Ciroc with a bendy straw...
Sometimes you gotta take mushrooms and swim on a rooftop pool to figure out your relationship
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
Speaking of boners I learned how to say " jizz everywhere" in sign language
You're not married and none of these idiots are committing to you so whore it up on whore island
Can we go to pirate hooker whore island then
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
We hooked up and he sent me home with a plant and skittles lmao
If I don’t find a quality dick soon I’m going to beg the neighbor for another threesome with her and her husband. It’s like Covid killed all the quality penis Vegas normally has
Randomize
