I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
We just picked up about 540 lbs of women....
I am laying on the kitchen floor eating cold chicken fingers and drinking wine. welcome to my new years party.
Well on a lighter note, guess who just threw up in the elevator
In my drunkeness I was planning how to throw up without my parents hearing. I was gonna go for a "run" and just throw up outside.
The worst thing about him living around the corner is that who ever suggests the booty call is the one that walks over.
I call him Seabiscuit because he's my trusty steed
Pretty sure when I woke up the next morning we were still fucking. It just didn't stop.
Beer bong just needs to be rebedazzled but it's gonna make it
He snorted adderall on my table. I have a feeling he's not trying to buy me flowers
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
I'm hungover from the 8pm vodka and still drunk from the 5am beer.
He saw my Halloween/ Costume closet and assumed I’m into cosplay. I’m going with it. What’s sexier, a cop or a nurse?
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
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