Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
I passed out on the floor of a truck stop. Drinking binge 2011 is now over.
dude i woke up sitting indian style with my face on the ground and my hand in a bucket of ice.
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
So far we've hooked up on a pool table, on a public bathroom counter and now in a little league baseball dugout. We haven't even made to a house yet.
She's going to get preggers, drop out of school, and end up working at mcdonalds. Great for our mcdoubles habit but bad for her future.
when the officer asked him if he had been drinking, he just goes, "yeah, you?" then falls onto the table.
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
Idk if I deserve a medal or a one way ticket to hell
We played 2 very competitive games of Jenga and then fucked our brains out... BEST. RELATIONSHIP. EVER.
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
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