the whole time he was cumming, he did the joey lawrence WHOA. over and over. WHOA. WHOA. WHOA. WHOA.
You were so trashed that when you dropped your fruit rollup on the floor, you just sat next to it and cried.
you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
wore my lacy blue thong that says "hello there" across the front today for my gynecologist appointment. I live to make people uncomfortable
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
Well im sitting on a futon on a porch at 1:30 in the afternoon drinking boxed wine out of a pint glass next to a chick with a homemade neckbrace. What do you think?
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
I was woken up in my old house by the new residents ... I don't even have a Key anymore
I'm pretty sure there a million tiny ninjas in my uterus poking me with sticks.
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
He came to my Harry Potter marathon wearing a Hogwarts uniform. Of course I fucked him.
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
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