mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
I just drove by a church. On the sign out front was written 'crocodile cock'. On both sides.
You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
he's only going to be home for two days, his dick is going to be in me for the whole 48 hours, he doesnt have a choice.
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
The door opens out but somehow she managed to kick it in..
Because nothing screams stable like yelling at a guy in a bar because last time you hooked up he stole your underwear.
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
Somehow I don't think offering me edibles is what dad meant by checking in on me
They're the hard candy kind!
It was bad. U were calling my cat "kittiano" and playing her like a piano. Way too drunk my friend.
I have a dinner date combo blowjob event with Tristan tonight.
you have to get here a cop came into the bar and she looks like Sarah Palin. I think I'm gonna try and bang her
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