I just spent $27 on things to pee on.
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
I told her she has a very organized vagina; somehow she took offense.
it was all good until he screamed "for fraaannnceee" on his last thrust
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
U thinks that's bad? He told me that he had to envision high school wrestling in order to bust a nut with some girl
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
Also I just took Ritalin with coffee so if anyone wants to know what numbers sound like, I got you
Burritos, beer, and hot tub sex. Merry Christmas to me.
My neighbors are white girl rapping to Hamilton again...
I left my parents and ran through the airport. I was like I'm not getting stuck in Atlanta tonight and not having sex.
I want a dick in my left hand and a Crunch Wrap Supreme in my right hand.
hooked up with him and then had a conversation with his ex about how we hate people who hook up with our exs...
she hand cuffed me to the bed naked, jumped off the dresser naked, hit her head on the fan and knocked herself out. when her mom came home i had to call her for help, she could have died man...
Randomize
