You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
explain the missing patches of hair on my cat. now.
I need a second opinion on who's blood is in my car.
Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
ARE YOU GOING TO SACRIFICE YOUR LIFE FOR MCDONALDS HASHRBOWNS
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
Just got home. Taking a quick shower. I smell like sex and chorizo. Dont ask.
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
Hiding in a kitchen with no pants orange juice abs a pillow...please joun
I haye tequella
The good thing about country bars is that the men generally look like men. The bad thing is the country music.
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
Randomize
