Dude I think you forgot how to talk last night. We kept asking if you wanted a condom and you just smiled and made weird noises...
Since when is my name a synonym for head?
Note: footlong is not the password to the subway wi fi network.. p.s- im super high
I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
And then she proceeded to fling her bra around while screaming the rocket power theme song, still managing to not fall off the skateboard
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
It seems to me that once you begin comparing Jesus to hercules and calling him a super pimp you should put the wine away...
That girl gave me her number because you were arrested. I am so proud of you dude.
It just hurt to pee because he was fingering for fucking gold in there.
Basically as long as the fan is pointed at my vagina i can cool off enough to sleep.
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
Its so bad though\nOur relationship has gotten to the point where im posing nude with a swiffer
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
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