Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
I was thinking of baby names while I was giving him a blow job
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
So what's today's forecast for the female rollercoaster you've been riding?
You don't care if I shave my legs, but you insist I be conscious for sex. Whatever. I really think your priorities are out of whack.
Only Jon could get an entire commuter train to chant "Ride! Jon! Home!" to get a girl in bed.
fuck it. from now on whatever room i wake up in, i'm stealing clothes from. this walk of shame shit is too much without pants
If I shaved my pubic hair into a heart for valentine's day how much would you judge me?
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
I don't know if I'm more excited about sex or that I have an excuse to smoke a cigarette
I'm sorry I told you to go fuck yourself after you said good morning to me when I was hungover.
I've never wanted anyone to have herpes as I much as I want him to right now.
Crop dusting thru forever 21
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