he proceeded to punch 3 mailboxes in a row and when i asked him why, he said "because they were talking shit"... i need a new boyfriend. and a new life.
just saw a girl come out of the tanning bed room on crutches, now thats determination
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
I have no idea where I am, where my pants are, there is cheese stuck to my ass.. Why do I have your phone?
shot for shot with some guy twice your age to prove Detroit hustles harder then you left with him. We're tracking you
I have reached the point in my life where I realized this is what I'm going to do for the rest of my life. Eat, shit , bar, drink, drank, drunk.
We got security called on us. Apparently the wedding down the street didn't appreciate the trespassing or our loud as fuck rendition of We Are Young.
also i think i should join the bone marrow registration when im sober
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
Getting drunk and throwing things at people isnt the same with you not here. Remember when you dislocated my elbow and then popped it back in in one motion?
Hahaha idk what's worse your life or my hangover.
I was basically just fingering myself and thinking about space.
Making friends with the guy who had alcohol-infused whipped cream was the best decision I made all night.
I've never had to say don't judge me for chip clips in the shower before
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
FINE I guess I'll just drink regular coke like a PLEBIAN.
Randomize
