now i know why they say having sex with her is the equivalent to licking a pay phone
Contrary to what I yelled at them last night, it turns out campus police CAN arrest people...
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
The last thing I remember is yelling "ill handle this" while wearing a lion suit and holding a jug of vodka when the RAs came
If I buy you $300 worth of popeyes, will that make up for me trashing the house?
We have zombies coming, and all you can think about is cock.
I fucked my cousin and caught chlamydia this year. I can't really harbour any illusions about myself anymore.
He literally wrote out a schedule. On it, there's a taco break, and a spot where I start crying.
My one night stand said I love you, opened my fridge, stole my cream cheese and left.
You kept purposefully giving me wrong directions, laughing, then yelling at me for taking directions from a drunk person.
i swear i was one second from getting his number and then the shrooms kicked in
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
I'm eating a block of cheese like its a sandwich in the tsa line
We fucked like animals on that lion king beanbag chair that your mom got you for your 10th bday
I love you but this is the first Saturday I have ever spent at the police station. And where are my boxers?
Randomize
