Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
people would bow to what i just did to her vagina
there is way too much butter on my body for this to be okay
I was puzzled last night that there were shots waiting for us when we got there. Just read my messages and saw you were ordering from the bar via texts.
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
I realized I was totally the dude in that hook up. I came first and didn't wanna help him finish. And he had paisley sheets.
The least you could do is send me some gibberish so I know you're alive.
Fuhga
Thank you.
I think I just cured my dogs munchies
He literally named all the parts of the vagina as he fingered me. No more pre-med virgins.
Signs of a stoner: trying everything in your fridge topped with peanut butter to seek satisfaction.
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
I have an ideal penis or slightly above ideal penis in every country that isn't ruined by the specter of communism
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
This girl was in the river screaming that someone didn't love her anymore...that's when the guy in a kilt claimed her...
& I came downstairs to find my whole family discussing the fact that I have a vibrator, which my mom found accidentally....
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