did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
VAGINAS EVERYWHERE
they're staring at me
conclusion of the day: americans need to get on tredmills, people need to learn how to flush toliets and learn how to pee in then instead of on them, and waiters shouldnt tell their life stories to customers.
i'm gonna be such a cougar when i'm older...i just facebook stalked my little sister's 13 yr old boyfriend while drinking a bottle of wine....
if i actually bought condoms for every time i had sex, i could single handedly fix the economy
having my hair in braids makes puking so easy. i am being an indian every halloween
You may be in san diego, but I just watched a guy in a wheelchair sing walking in memphis for karaoke. Check and mate.
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
Strangers are buying me shots and I got hit on by lesbians. How is it only tuesday
I think my favorite day of the week is the day we get to fuck
So I told him "To answer your question yes I am naked making pizza pops in your kitchen"
Sorry for trying to wake you up by slapping your ass with a fruit 2 go.
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
Hey
Gfdhklhgfxzyuikl$
GODDAMNIT WHY AM I MISSING THIS
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
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