Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
You were parading around the bar chugging girls drinks and then asking them if you could buy them a drink. It was actually genius
She needs to learn what's it like to have sex with someone and regret it the next day.
Dude I think I vomited on the wireless internet box too...it isnt working.
Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
I was just tagged in a picture with a bunch of people i don't know in a house i don't recognize wearing a purple cowboy hat and a boa...i hate tequila
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
I'm posted up in the bathroom at au bon pain, high as balls, experimenting with eyeshadow combinations and listening to 90s jlo. The girl in the stall next to me just plopped a big one and I laughed, hope I ruined her day
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
You said you'd make me a thank you card for taking care of your drunk ass. I'll be expecting that monday.
after you left he started opening his bottles by smashing the neck against the edge of the fireplace and pouring beer into his mouth. it was about the manliest thing ive ever seen. its probably how lumberjacks open their beers... if they didnt have their axes handy.
U can be a future sentaor's wife if you want. I'm happy with "closet lesbian", "tech prof".and "masters degree" all rolled into one. Drunken bar escapades pay off.
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
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