Discovered the secret to willingly attending my 3-o'clock class. Ahoy, Cap'n.
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
Well I tried to steal a golf cart. I fought with the Chick-Fil-A cow. And other things.
I knew I was rolling hard when I realized I had been rubbing the couch for an hour
Singing high school musical songs with an old Russian woman I met on the bus. What are you doing?
I can't wait for the day Google doesn't remind me that I got arrested for having 3 shots called 'frog cum' lined up in front of me.
We ended up debating which Food Network host would do best in porn.
I'm not drinking with you for AT LEAST a day
do you ever wish you could like, jerk your heart off and be, like, emotionally satisfied? it'd feel like cuddling.
I just had a spiritual connection with my sweater and did ballet in the hallway. Alone. I'd say we're gonna chalk that up as a win for marijuana and call it a night
I'm going to get old and fat one day... probably pretty soon and I'm not going to have any pictures to show to my cats of what I once looked like.
You are talking to me during sexting hours. Be careful, innuendos are taken seriously
If I get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to celebrate. If I don't get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to forget. Win-Win
I just took like 30 condoms from the doctors office... no one can say I don't try to save my money.
i really love you but i feel kinda dumb about it
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