he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
I'm trying to decide if I want to bring home my 'beer champion' trophy or my chem books.
She was standing in the road flagging traffic in a tshirt and boxers. I didn't stop.
All she wanted was a cigarette
I feel like my teeth are caked on with other teeth. What did I just smoke?
my liver gets a handicap on account of the whole being diseased thing
I was jumping over your garbage can screaming "Im a snow cat!!" ..Who wouldn't want to see that?
The guy at the door just stared only at my boobs and said "I'm gonna let you in." 'Merica
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
Once you jizz in someones hat, you cant take it back.
These beer shits have taken over my entire life.
I was so drunk last night dude. I woke up this morning to my oven being wide open and my pants on the kitchen floor.
I'm just down here gazing up into your ivory tower of nudes
It's official. My little brother has had more sex in my car than I have. I'm still tied with my little sister. I hate everybody.
Randomize
