at the resort hottubing with french twins, who brought champange. this should be a postcard.
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
Pretending to be straight requires way more energy than I'm willing to use in this heat.
shouldve known this week was gonna be bad when I threw up in my coffee mug
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
She apparently grabbed another girl and pulled her into the shower fully clothed. When the girl was like "you need to stop" she curled up into a ball and refused to leave.
Whoa, you know how to pick em.
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
Would it be sharing too much to tell you that my nipples hurt so much that I couldn't comfortably go down the stairs?
He is stood at the top of the stairs nursing the stolen cat
You know you're hung-over when you're smoking and have the strong urge to eat the cigarette. No more buckets of gin. No. More. Ever.
Dude too much vodka. I think I just puked up my heart
That's what you get for taking that guy home. The god of sluttiness is frowning upon you.
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
She started throwing ice at me and started yelling, "Holy water bitches! This is an exorcism!"
Going overboard is basically 75% of my personality
I'm a gorgeous hot mess
He said he couldn't fuck me cause I kinda looked like my brother
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