I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
Most awkward thing ever just happened. I was reaching in my purse to get something and a condom fell out into the woman's lap next to me. At least she knows I'm safe.
If you're ever in Seattle we should Fuck. Or get coffee, whatever.
it was like that last scene in "It's A Wonderful Life" but with alcohol
We all know tonight is going to end like every other night with you. drunk, pantless and confused. Dont try to switch things up.
he quoted the bible to break up with me
I walked in and she was kneeling on the ground with no pants on, throwing up, and holding the puppy. It was one of those moments, where i was like damn i wish i had my camera.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
Well after last night I am convinced he is real life Tyler Durden. He only exists to me and somehow keeps me out of jail this entire time
I normally need adult supervision or a babysitter, but I refuse to let someone keep me from making irresponsible and wrong decisions at the bar on my last bday ill ever have in texas
Now in just stoned listening to my dads philosophical idea about public transit
I just had sex with the megalodon show on in the background and it was just as magical as it sounds
He came over apologized for his lack of sexual skills. Cleaned my kitchen cooked me dinner. And gave me another one minute stand. I think im okay with this
Harry Potter pub crawl tonight. You know you're living your life right when your check list for the evening is wizard robes, wand and acid.
Will u make me a "6 month anniversary of being single" cake??? I wanna celebrate
Randomize
