i just saw a foot job.
porn is incredible...
my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
is it bad if i hope guys are like edward cullen and can read my mind. i could be a whore in disguise.
I think call of duty has replaced my masturbating. And I'm alright with that.
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
I might not be able to enter cuba but that doesn't mean that a cuban can't enter me
how do i say "thank you for the blowjob, but never talk to me again" without crushing her?
On the bright side, at least we arent the generation raised by fucked up teen moms.
The security guard popped his head over the mens room door and goes "nice tits- now get out." Deer in headlights moment right there.
I may wear a condom to jerk-off tomorrow knowing that my hand has touched surfaces in this bar.
I'm going to crush up my last 7 Percocets into a fine powder and toss my popcorn in it.
He ripped down his Kate Upton poster while we were having sex last night. Im gonna take that as a good sign.
That's why god made go-pro's and tequila
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
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