Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
She was so high she ate a little piece of weed off her pants and thought it was food.
Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
Today I made a list of everyone I have had sex with...there is more than double my age...
she had condoms in her med. cabinet - magnums -I don't think I'm tall enough for this ride
I legit had to pull him off my car. Then he texted me saying 'take me places.' Shotgun getting that drunk tonight
Honestly, It follows the same rules as Cock Roulette.
I petted my head, told my hair it felt beautiful and needed to be let free. Then pulled out my pony tail. Cheers to weed. I lose.
So I was thinking for Halloween I'd do Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde....for my vagina.
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
BING! You are now free to move about my panties. He just left for work.
Are you coming to class or was the dick pic this morning your way of saying not today?
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
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