I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
then she came back into the room with a neckbrace on. i thought she was getting ready for the pounding of a lifetime.
At least you're going to bed with all the teeth you woke up with
...i had to draw her a diagram of her own vagina. including a little arrow to the clitoris. shouldn't it be the other way around?!?
Haha im about to meet my shrink &i have so much shit to tell him i made an outline
She threw up a whole curly fry. A. WHOLE. CURLY. FRY.
Crashed the mayor's bday party, no list for some reason. Wore suits. Ludacris was there.
I'm not sending you pictures to jack off to. That's not what friends do
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
I feel like saying your blowjobs are worth a burrito is not the best strategy to get him to be more giving in bed.
You should make a checklist to ensure they are quality material. Here's mine: wearing shoes, not drunk, very hot, has teeth, speaks english. You never know
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
I should never be allowed to dance around children at weddings. I think I just insured that a 4 year old will be a future teen mom.
The guy I screamed at across the bar for booing the Bruins ended up buying me shots I had to explain to him there's not a chance in hell I would ever fuck a Canadian! #Bostonstrong
Who the hell tries to steal eggnog.
Randomize
