I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
I just ordered a 3 square foot pizza. This is how to beat an eating disorder.
She said "don't make this weird" and then proceeded to sniff me.
I ended up in a shower with 9 people and a bunch of unopened beer last night. I think I got peed on. Hands were everywhere. We sold the peed on beer to people knocking on the hotel room door.
Wow, now I'm sad I didn't go.
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
oh sorry. I thought "boat" was code for "penis"
stop sending me battleship coordinates and get back here so i can suck your dick
My vagina is screaming your name . Wtf did you do to it
I wonder if you're allowed to smoke pot at Denver bronco games now...
The guy I blew last night was pierced in multiple places. I had to use extra caution to avoid my temporary filling.
Meh, all I have to do tomorrow is proctor an AP test. No loud noises and no physical activity allowed for almost 4 hours. Sounds like the perfect recovery period for a hangover.
he's so sweet and its so cute. but I swear to fuck if I let my guard down and this was all a lie I am going to become a serial killer.
I just want him to get into an accident where he's horribly disfigured but otherwise fine so he's not so freaking handsome
My Mini-Van Handjob Milf is leaving the company. I need to find a new job. I can’t handle this place without those handjobs
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