I just won Halloween Walk of Shame Bingo!
i feel as if its time to shave my pubes but i should wait until before the party. nobody likes a sloppy drunk girl with a stubble-crotch.
story of my life.
The mystery has been solved. Seagulls have sex doggy-style.
when "blow-job jen" drunk dials you at 3 in the morning, you answer
then you gave the doctors and nurses bloody high fives
i had the all of mcdonalds chanting USA as he motorboated you
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
His car is rigged up like the cash cab how am i supposed to not sleep with him
Oh no, we smoked the revival weed. It came in a Batman bag. It hit like justice. And orphans.
Sex in the moonbounce later?
This is why I love you.
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
I can't believe we broke the fucking lamp.
*i* can't believe believe we broke the lamp fucking.
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
I cant promise hot guys but i can promise alcohol which is close enough.
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
Randomize
