i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
Ok never mind. Thought i pooped my pants for a second. False alarm.
chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
You told him your wedding ring was part of your costume. not okay!!
How's your Sunday morning ritual of shitting and throwing up at the same time going?
Got robbed by knifepoint. Then got sympathy Bj. I might have to walk down Austin ave drunk every weekend
You slow clapped the stripper last night.
You stole my camera, took a picture of yourself and said "that's beautiful, just as beautiful as our waitress".
Someone got day drunk, but I'm not saying who.
It was me.
I can say with 87% certainty that i received one of the world's five greatest blow jobs since the Coolidge administration on Saturday night.
Oh it's not a problem. Cleaning up the yard and disposing of 75 gallons of Jello is all I've got to look forward to today.
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
She woke up next me in bed and told me to stop driving so fast.
Forget work, lets run away, rob banks, and have kinky sex with fuzzy handcuffs.
IT'S LIKE YOU READ MY MIND.
They made Game of Thrones Oreos. Kill me.
Randomize
