A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
i can totally see doctors naming an STD after you
Smoking bowl and applying to community college. I now know how I got here.
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
I'm back here naked if anyones wondering
She described me as " a caterpillar of adorable quietness that exploded into a slutty butterfly" She definitely nailed it there
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
So I found out me and this guy I was drinking beer with tonight both got lactated on by the same stripper. We're milk brothers.
I'm mailing you cans of corn and that's final.
One last thing: he lists glow sticks and tacos as things he can't live without. How would we not be friends??
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
OH MY GOD did i pee on you?!
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
there must be tiny pirates in the freezer stealing our rum.
It's like Guy Diamond blew glitter into my vagina.
Randomize
