Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
Is it bad that I just used Smirnoff as mouthwash?
Is there a word for someone who only has sex with NFL prospects?
I walked down to the adult beverage store and got two bottles of jim beam and s shooter of crwon black label because we didn't have any Tylenol
Fuck that must be a crazy sunburn.
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
OH. MY. GOD. FUCK HIM. JUST GRAB HIM AND FUCK HIM.
She told me she's dating him because his apartment is a block from Taco Bell. I don't know how she's not fat.
I want you to get your positive energy all over me. I want to to look like something from Ghostbusters.
I wanted lighthearted conversation about ordering bulk condoms and anal lube but he's depressed and talking about god hating him, ugh
Apparently nick called me at 3 in the morning looking for you because you ate your keys and ran away..do I need to call an ambulance.
This strip club is mediocre. Talent is fine. Fung shui is bad.
I don't think he understands that his kid doesn't bother me. I have a binder full of developmentally appropriate early childhood activities.
Either go for divorced men who are forty plus or stop doing this immediately. You are 23 years old. You need more wine and less baby fever
So today was the first day i've been sober since Wednesday according to my roommate!
we have beer and we're watching the birds have sex in our yard.
I swear I only fuck him for the huge bottle of smart water he gives me afterwards.
Randomize
