he told me it was because of the roids, but i couldn't tell if he meant ster or hem.
Sorry I never got back to you. I got high. I know it sounds like a commercial or something... but its true
Please stop bringing your one night stands to Sunday brunch.
he smelled like listerine and beef tacos
it's like i can feel the ghost of his dick still inside me
Listen to me plotting my whoredom.
Piecing together the sordid story from witness accounts and photographic evidence, courtesy of Fcebook. My night included Mojitos, lighting the bar on fire and declaring myself the Queen of Nerds when I stole someone's flashing tiara. Woke up this morning with a velvet cape and plastic scepter to match. Mojitos are awesome!
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
I think your dad took our porno
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
What are you gunna do with your life today
put it back together
I farted in the parking garage and it echoed.
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
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