my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
please tell me you remember why "7 days" is written above my bed in red marker
A guy in a sombrero stopped to take a picture with me sitting on the curb.
i just was bootyclappin in front of homeless men in a back alley
Jail wasn't bad. Was poppin Xanax the whole way there
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
And then I passed out in my towel and was woken up by my roommate introducing me to her trick for the night.
He wants a "vagina fling" before he commits to dick for life. I'm gonna allow it.
she gave me her number and i just said "no. cant."
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
I don't need no damn man when I have the cock-a-nator 2000.
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
I have hobbies that aren't destroying myself and others...i can make hats.....
Randomize
