No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
It was not a dingleberry, it was a dinglemelon
I totally need to blow more fat guys. His cum tasted like vanilla ice cream
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
you were exchanging tortilla chips with the guy at the next table, telling him your table was given the "big chips" because it was your 21st birthday
I just found a plastic cup with panties inside of it. Let's play CSI.
she fascinated with the iron the back of the toilet seat. she made me sit in the bathroom with her for a solid 10 minutes while she just stared and laughed at it
...i'd have to set their sheets on fire.
I want a MapMyFart App, where I can mark every spot where I have ripped one. Like here.
She's cute. And her snoring noises remind me of the incidental music from Jaws.
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
There needs to be a greeting card for "I miss having sex and smoking weed with you."
dont go in the freezer to fetch your weed. my vibrator may or may not be in there. not sayin, just sayin
where the fuck are you? she just tazed two people and we're tripping shrooms...successful first night in new apartment!
Randomize
