why didn't you say something constructive like "stop chugging that vodka"?
It was like having sex with a donkey. Everytime she got close she would kick me.
I woke him up this morning and said I have a meeting w my advisor in an hour you need to wake up, cum on my face, and take me to my car.
I was so high I told him we should rub faces and pretend to be wombats. He was surprisingly enthusiastic about it.
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
I just made a drink so ill shit. It's goona be great. Ill tell you about it when you get here. Get pumped. For my shit.
LOVE ME MORE THAN PIZZA CAN
OMG -- There are strippers in the bathroom crying because their power moves aren't good enough to win the competition
He will forever be known as the toe sucker who may or may not have been a father
If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great
I can't believe you cupped pat's balls to prove your fake relationship
I think I gave a random lady a dildo
Again?!
Of two things I'm absolutely sure: 1. I only took 2 hits off that joint and 2. I definitely ran over hedwig on the way home
I had a threesome last night with my fiance' and our soon to be best man. Everyone is surprisingly chill about it this morning. Is this any indication of what the wedding night will be like?
I can still taste your cum in my mouth and my in-laws are coming over. This should go well.
Randomize
