how the fuck does easy mac keep making itself at 3am when i'm wasted? what is this phenomenon?
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
u were so high that u chewed on candle wax for an hour
She carries her pencils in a crown royal bag... Need I say more?
He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird.
Ok wear gym clothes just in case we feel like going shitfaced to the gym
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
I honestly don't think it will ever get topped. Unless a real female cop arrests me, then fucks me. That's it.
Proudest moment of my life. Just watched a guy walk into the side of a car because I winked at him. Love these yoga pants and my hair. Fuck yes. His mouth was hanging open.
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
he took my bra off with his teeth, THEN decided he just wanted to make out and cuddle. i don't know what the female version of blue balls is, but i've been living with it since 1 a.m.
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
I'm in love. Her name is Jamie. She's beautiful. She punched me in the face.
please come back. it's turned into strip rock paper scissors
Randomize
