I'm half single.
Please tell me it's the bottom half.
Take one last look at my face, because I'm drinking it off tonight.
one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
i just discovered a movie that charlize theron is a sex addict. i think my prayers have been answered
For some reason i am carrying prostate cancer brochures. i am nor used to drinking this early.
Can we end it on a good note at least? Can we fuck and then never talk again?
This taco party has no tacos, just a hot asian guy in booty shorts. We were lied to.
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
Nope not happening. When I close my eyes the floor moves. I'm going to enjoy this free roller coaster.
Giving you good advice and being naked are not mutually exclusive.
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
He literally stole all the change that was on my floor and ran away while I was peeing. I have to rethink my standards.
I usually do that but weve been going unprotected with tribal fertility symbols painted above my door
Um, just removed my insulin from the fridge so that I could fit our case in there. Tell me, who has their priorities straight? THIS GIRL.
Randomize
