All I'm saying, is that being compared to a Muppet is not the end of the world.
okay serious question, the water is shut off in your house, do you attempt and use the clean toilet water for your new bong?
Still drunk and leading the team through the 9am sales meeting. I'm pretty sure this is why there aren't more 26year-olds in management.
I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
My brain is foggy with friends reruns and him licking hummus off my tits.
Wondering when "babysitting" formed into "sleeping on the couch for five hours nursing a hangover and giving the kids Nyquil."
May or may not have just put tequila in my special "kids+" orange juice fortified with vitamins a, b, c, d, e, and now t.
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
Jessica just ate her lipstick. That's how the night is going
He was so energetic. It was like screwing a bunny.
You got stoned and bought $300 worth of pudding. Again! Why do YOU think she left you?
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
Don’t judge me
Some of us don’t have access to dick on a constant basis
Randomize
