You all can go fuck yourselves. As far as I'm concerned, don't come back to karaoke.
Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
Someone just pulled taco bell tacos out of their purse in class....2 problems with here. 1) this class is nutrition 2) taco bell is not open this early.
I kinda wish he had even a slight idea of the sex I'm planning for his departure. I'm literally studying for it.
She was either really drunk or really not interested. Everytime I tried to ask her about herself she would respond with a line from Stepbrothers.
You were fucked up like a footballbat trying to eat gum off your shoe. And that wasn't even the nights lowest point.
Don't send the creepy guy a picture of your penis. That's my Christmas wish
Life Lesson #1 of 2013: double-fisting shower beers and shaving my bikini line should be reserved for two different showers.
I slept naked with a towel wrapped around my waist in case I pissed the bed again
We got a lap dance! I touched a boob!
How does a face ride mean we're back together?
I thought about mashed potatoes the whole way home
We drank vodka and koolaid through a traffic cone. It got rowdy.
Ok thats great. so just to recap: you fucked a billionare in his penthouse last night, and I had a glass of wine on the toilet.
I used to shoot steroids in my ass but for a totally different reason
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