the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
I didnt realize we were having a competition in poor decision making skills
how else could I explain the last few years
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
remember our old mantra: why can't life be as easy as we are?
You never know, some chick could have a weird unibrow fetish.
I'm sorry, but the "Hobbit Slam" has to be a sex move.
Had sex with the Irish bartender in Spain. So that happened.
I just had a sexting conversation using medieval jargon. I think he is a fine suitor.
I do remember that in my dream I wasn't impressed with his dick.
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
they are cutting me off...little do they know I am making a 75 yr old man i named Herbert buy me drinks now...no shame at 11 am...
Dude I cant right now. Were talking about pickles.
Randomize
