I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
she read insantiy as in-nast-tit-ty and asked what the hell does that mean...
I cant watch the real world now after jersey shore. its like trying to go back to vagina once uve had anal
My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
She was either really drunk or really not interested. Everytime I tried to ask her about herself she would respond with a line from Stepbrothers.
Either I'm tripping balls or my dog has super powers.
I DON'T WANT TO DEMONSTRATE MY DICK TAKING ABILITIES WITH MY MOM THERE.
It's basically the same plan, only step one gets revised to "look hot enough that he forgets I fucked his roommate"
I want to throw all of their shoes in the pool so I feel like there is some justice in the world
Sorry I disappeared. Do you hate me?
Not at all, did you not hear me clapping outside your car on our way out?
If if makes you feel any better, you're definitely the hottest guy I've ever friendzoned.
I'm not in it for just the sex. If I wanted mediocre dick once a week I would have stayed with one of my exes.
How'd things go with that guy last night?
He threw up in the consol in my car then started crying about his ex girlfriend.
Unless my dick prospects improve this year’s Halloween costume will include panties with “DTF” written on them and a push up bra
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