My girlfriend figured out who you are.
All the walks of shame were condensed into the hour before parents started showing up. Move out day is so bittersweet
He told me I had nice tits + they have a great shape. + then proceeded to flatten my boob + show me what the gross tits he's seen look like.
So on how many levels of wrong is it that I'm reconsidering my divorce simply because I don't want to go through getting used to shitting around someone again.
Just put a dog collar on someone's child.....was a great hit with everyone but his mom.......I think she hates me. I'm okay.with that
So I woke up in a strange bed with a note taped to my arm giving me directions back to my brothers apartment.
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
Just ran into a client at a sex shop. The meeting tomorrow is going to be really awkward as we both try not to picture each other using vibrators or role play costumes.
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
I HAVE PIZZA MONEY AT ALL TIMES IT'S CALL EMERGENCY PLANNING
Why would you trust me with ANYTHING!!!???
I just saw a guy in a zippo shirt buy 2 gallons of fire starter fluid and then proceed to smoke a cigarette. I feel like hes got some big plans for his tuesday.
Basically, I am an endless fountain of unconvential sexual experiences and knowledge.
Randomize
