I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
You got ahold of his prescription papers and gave out prescriptions for cranberry and vodka
I just dropped macaroni right down my cleavage. For the sake of our future, I'm really banking on this being a turn on for you.
It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
She was pretty drunk. It was like watching a puppy explore the world for the first time.
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
Also I walked home in over mitts \nLet's take a minute to really laugh about that
Just watched my roommate stuff a sandwich in his pocket because we're out of paper plates.
It feels like you stuck your dick in a fire and then branded the inside of me.
Apparently I walked to Denny's in the pouring rain without shoes just socks last night. Excellent.
Sometimes I really think that if... When your stoned you have a catlike ability to just relax in any position
It was like, once I started flashing you, I couldn't stop.
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
I just split a tacobell party box with my boss. 12 tacos. We were equals for a moment.
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