porn star on stage now. Get unkicked out.
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
He told me he finished so fast because he's a sprinter. I hate athletes who are really just pussies.
the bathroom floor of the diner looks a lot different when you're not rolling around and puking on it.
The girl with a dislocated arm just did an assisted keg stand. You will never have an excuse again.
Mym mom just came downstairs as I got ghome ans I'm trying to act SO CASUAL as i stabdh here hut icant help bur be like 'girl where's ther Turkey sandwiche s' haahaa
I literally need you to talke care of me soooo9o9oooooo drubj gril makin a sabdwiche. SO far its judst bred and paper towel...
I keep shaking cocoa puffs out of my hair. Best Sunday Funday ever.
Well, I guess that's how life goes for my dad. One minute you're walking with your cooler on the afterglow of a Lynyrd Skynyrd concert, the next you find your grown son choking out a drunk redneck against your pickup truck.
Am I the only one who saw the used condom in the driveway this morning
He put a doughnut around his dick and I ate it. What can I say. It was a good fucking night.
Its mothers day... Can my present be an orgasm...for once?
You ran up a $300 bar bill on his card and he didn't have you arrested, be grateful and move on.
Apparently i'm now known as the kid who was double fisting tequila and pedialyte.
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