If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
So she comes up to me at the end of the night and asks me if I going to take her home and fuck her. I pretty much had to right?
you had an obligation.
I think her nose is broken... but I think she's just drunk enough to fall for the whole "sex releases endorphins, so it'll feel better" line.
Outta milk. Using rum instead for pancake mix. Drunk Thursday is a gooo
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
You threw up in a empty pizza box at Pizza Hut and opened the door with your face. So that maybe why it's bruised.
Nothing says "Hello, Adulthood!" quite like receiving a dick photo at 11AM from a guy you haven't heard from since fifth grade.
I danced with a french guy who licked the sweat off my neck and poured a drink on me. Not gonna lie, that shit was refreshing
my nose is crying tears of wow.
I love you. Go after that dick
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
The boob job was worth every penny just to see the expression of pure joy on his face the first time he saw them.
I'm sorry about the fire. I was too fucked up to do science, apparently.
Randomize
