made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
her boyfriend dumped her for my exgirlfriend. so filming our hookup is pretty much a definite.
We sold so many girl scout cookies when we were little. What went wrong?
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
Hypothetically, if a stripper with braces bites you on the cleavage and it leaves an open wound, do you need a tetanus shot?
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
Sex obviously provides more sustenance than oatmeal.
Every little girl dreams of the day when she picks up her fuck buddy because he's drunk at the gay bar again.
I'm gonna go ahead and say I love our drinking habits but anytime we roundhouse a 750 of Schnapps on the way to a non competitive bowling league we might have problems
I can't believe you won 5 grand from the casio last night and spent more than 80% on tacobell and strippers already
Im sorry you'll never get the feeling of closeness when you go to pee outside and you realize you're peeing right where someone else just peed
He has a bear rug in his room. I'm going to ask if we can have sex on it. Wilderness sex.
We’re leaving where are you
Hold on Toxic just started playing
Randomize
