So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
I've walk of shamed through this apartment complex so many times, I think people think I live here.
There are a bunch of guys at the door looking for the guy you brought back to the condo...pretended not to speak English. You're welcome.
Just realized how sopa could affect my ability to watch porn, son of a bitch
Speaking of ejaculate, did you get the side of your car cleaned off?
Found out last night that "Everclear" is Spanish for "shit got weird"...
Remember the couple Steve and I heard and rated their sex based on the bed squeaks cuz we couldn't sleep through the noise? We got them back. They turned up the radio to drown us out.
The guy I brought home last night made a speedy escape while I was in the bathroom. The only trace I found of his flight was a lone sock on the stairs.... It was like a whorey low budget Cinderella
Can you technically cross something off your bucket list if you don't, per say, remember it....?
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
Like 50% of me thinks it'll be weird, 25% of me is curious & 25% of me is horny
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
Dude I am a waste of space, I just febreezed myself so I could go out and get lunch
i said cake fell into my bra, you stood up and yelled "Im coming soldier", leaped acrossed the couch and started motorboating my boobs. i would have been cool with it if your mom didnt keep calling me the "lesbiainizer"
Randomize
