after drinking 6 jumbo margaritas he then proceeded to tell the entire restaurant that he was going to "bust a load in me" when we got home....how do you think the rest of my night went?
My new excuse for sleeping with him was in celebration of his cat's birthday.
I'm not going to need your "it doesn't mean you're a slut" pep talk after all.
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
I think your dick broke my retainer, I normally wouldnt care but my orthodontist died and I don't want my first appt to be blow job broken retainer with a new ortho.
Want a slice of this weekend's hottest piece of ass?
Just ate a chocolate chip cookie upside down. This is what having a degree does for you.
tried to chug a glass full of ice cubes. went better then expected.
You flew out of the bedroom, stole two Solo cups from the beer pong table, put them on your feet, clicked your heels together three times
Just turned down sex because it's a holy day of obligation, my mom would be proud.
I have to remind myself to breathe. That hungover.
Drove by a guy getting road head, midday on O Street. That could be us, but you won't let me in your pants when you drive.
Idk how I even got accepted into college because literally the only things my brain ever thinks about are YouTube videos of baby animals and sex.
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
Didn't know my clit could produce that many orgasms in one night. Fuck my husband; think I might have to become a lesbian.
Randomize
