he was so nervous about his first time.. it was like michael j. fox trying to put on a condom...
Its like fucking yourself in the head with a weed strapon
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
It was good I woke up with my mattress on top of me. I walked around naked the whole night as people wished my Happy Birthday.
I woke up to his gay cousin telling me I had the prettiest boobs. I don't even wanna know.
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
I was busy. But now I'm about to consume alcohol and chicken. We shall see where this takes us. Maybe to the moon, maybe to the floor. I have no idea.
don't worry i won't let him get attached. I put on my Hulk onesie after sex and yelled I SMASHED YOU. never seen a guy looked so confused.
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
GOIN TO BED BEFORE TEQUILA BLEEDS FROM MY EYEBALLS
You just said the word 'slut' out loud in your sleep and then made a moaning noise
I woke up to pizza pinned to my wall. So that's that.
Hydrocodon makes you feel like a fairy made out of pudding
So I totally had sex In a teepee last night at that wedding reception.
Not only is he funny, he had a REALLY big dick
He's old enough to be your father!
REALLY. BIG. DICK.
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