I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
The men handing out bibles on the quad are blatantly skipping me... am i that obvious
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
Hovering on the line between her being fuckable and me being too drunk to fuck. Life's juggling act in progress here.
What vodka is american?
Skyy. I already looked it up for 4th of july.
Did she owns a vibrator that will set off seismic activity.
I want Walter White to make me a bologna sandwich while I'm chained to a support
I should've left when he told me that he only smoked crack by accident once
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
You is single now. The world is your ass buffet.
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
Randomize
