i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
And i quote: "where's y'alls from comin' in with them accents?" - from a mississipi mcdonalds
I need to surround myself with more reliable stoners...
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
Im about to get a baby alligator stoned, what are you doing with your life?
definitely just forgot to put car in park in front of a police officer and ran into a bush.
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
Directions to your booty call: go down the part of Route 66 that has all the car dealerships, motels and bad decisions, go past the Christian college and turn left at the Children's Center.
I spent the whole ride asking the cabbie if people ever have sex back there, and if he wanted me to make that number one higher.
he just fluffed my hair and told me I had to dance with him because we were both gingers.
Fly, little bird! Repopulate the ginger race!
considering I just took 3 shots of fireball I don't think I'm coming back tonight. also the hulk just walked in crushing beer cans on his forehead
You are not allowed to sing ever again, my ears are still ringing.
Guuuuurrrrrl! He ate the 🌮like it contained the Covid-19 vaccine!
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
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