I intend to get homeless drunk
just caught a 10 year old kid staring at my dick next to me in the urinal. i just nodded to him and said yeah, mines bigger little dude. i gotta stop drinking in public....
You fell on your face and the waitress just brought you a fresh drink
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
So he says "my girlfriends coming over so you have to leave but I love you"
She offered to treat me to breakfast after a one night stand if I meet her parents and sex again if I act as her bf. It may be a trap but its a offer I won't refuse.
We met some guy at the beach, and dug a hole with him. He invited us to "come back at night and smoke a blunt in this hole"
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
Your dog took my vibrator out to the yard
Smoked a blunt with my dad then introduced him to cinnabon delights. Today was a good day.
Did this whole conversation happen while you were shitting?
It's 7:30pm and we've already lost someone and had to run from the cops. What the fuck did you put in the punch?
I don't remember what you did, but I DO remember that i'm supposed to hate you for it.
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
He ate me out in the warehouse on a pallet of sunlight soap. I fucking love night shift!
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