glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
his penis was crooked so i rode him at an angle. he seemed used to this.
Dude feel your hair right now it feels so weird like pasta
I'll be honest, not actually surprised to find half a Big Mac box and bits of broken security glass by the sofa.
I might scale it back and go as an investment banker. Which is the exact same costume as James Bond on LSD. I just introduce myself differently.
if you had such a terrible roommate you would understand. jacking off in his conditioner is just the start.
Sometimes I love sober logical me. She makes rare appearances but when she does she shines.
Texas State Troopers call you ma'am even when they arrest you for public nudity and after you've puked on their cruiser. Country boys raised right.
You just kept stroking his beard and thinking aloud that you wanted to rub your face all over it.
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
We have a vagina exchange agreement. Neither of us can hook up with any of our own law firm's summer associates. So we have a scout and referral program and invite each other to the other firm's summer events. Criss-cross!! Works every summer.
I gave you the craziest sex experiences of your life, the least you could do is let me keep the sweater.
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
I can't dude. Last time I was there, I blew the bartender in the bathroom at last call.
Randomize
