well that one time I was being a total idiot trying to see how much I could drink. turns out 22 shots is too much. surprise surprise! ambulance party!
Why does Jon Cryer have a career?
That is a good question.
Ok Hollywood, I get it. Megan Fox is hot. Now she is in a movie where she is so hot that dudes just fucking die. Great.
: am i supposed to send the mass text 'merry christmas!' to my booty calls too?
i woke up in the fire place with a lighter in my hand. if i would have died the night would have made up for it.
I was really sad when you left and cried. And i don't know what a face promise is, but apparently i made you make one.
I miss waking up knowing you're passed out under my bed.
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
TONGUES ARE JUST MEAT TENTACLES IN OUR MOUTHS OMG
HOW ABOUT I DON'T WAKE UP TO THESE TYPES OF TEXTS
He wants to make me arch my back "like I'm having an exorcism". Not sure if I'm turned on or freaked out.
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
im shaving my vagina and listening to frank sinatra, im coming over after
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
You were laying on the floor coloring a "get well soon' card for your liver...
I realized my soar muscles form the shape of me leaning over a toilet
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